So, today's my first post on this blog. My anonymous ramble, rant, and occasional humorous comment, designed to allow me to journal about my most obsessive and crazy thoughts and feelings. No one has to read it in order for me to feel vailidated.
I decided tobegin this blog because I have been considering writing one for a long time. Recently my techie boyfriend was telling me about all the different options available and was designing something for me. As with most projects he works on, he loves to use the most super technical, ultra cool programs/techniques. Unfortunately, what usually ends up happening is he gets wrapped up in the project, making it super, duper perfect and tricked out, while I feel completely confused and left out. When I step away from his computer out of boredom and stack overflow, he loses interest because I'm not excited anymore. And then the project is left in the vast wasteland of projects left behind because they got boring for him....
And after a week of him not working on it again, I started researching how to start my own blog. When he got wind of this, he said he thought we really should work on it together because we need a project to work on so we could spend more time together....... Still no blog or talk of a blog. On Saturday, he walked by the computer and saw me scanning templates and asked if I was doing it on my own. I told him I had decided to do any anonymous blog on my own because I needed one where I could bitch and ramble as much as I want without offending anyone who may be mentioned in the blog. And so here we go....
The weekend was a little shaky. On Friday at 4:30 my current boss and my previous boss, who are good friends, called me over and proceeded to try and pull a late April Fools' trick on me and give me a project that would have cause me to have to stay late, but I didn't fall for it. They the told me I could leave 30 minutes early, at 5:00, and start my Easter weekend a little early. I was so excited, like a kid out of school for the summer. I called my guy J to ask him to pick me up early.-- My car is in the garage for a few repairs before it will pass inspection, so J has been chauferring me around for the last few days. Except for the fact that I don't like to be chauffered around. Especially when he smokes in the car, and I have to keep reminding him to fix the windows so that the smoke doesn't choke me. Note: I freakin' HATE smoke. It makes me sick and when I am around it, especially where I can't control the air flow (see later note on malfunctioning automatic windows and other miscellaneous things I hate about J's car). -- I then finished my work day and at 5:00 I went outside where my sweet J should have been waiting. Should have been, I say. Now, most of the time, J is reliable when it comes to picking me up. But he does have an extreme case of ADD, and at any time can be distracted by his computer or other sundry shiny things. So when he wasn't there, I called him; he told he had gotten stuck at home and had just left the house. So, I was still feelin' a little high from being let of of jail -- I mean work -- early, so I said to myself, "No problem, I'll just walk over and sit on a bench and enjoy the breeze and beautiful spring weather." No sweat, I'm not pissed off, it could happen to anyone, right? So, I know I've got about 20 minutes to sit down to enjoy my surroundings -- outside-- early -- on a FRIDAY!!! I got out some things I'd intended to read, and I read, read and read some more. At 5:40, J called again and said he was stuck in traffic. My joy and patience had been slowly draining away as I had plenty of time to reflect on the numerous ways J puts himself first in our relationship, and now I was irritated. (There is nothing so upsetting to me as being left somewhere.... It kicks me back into some very ugly childhood emotions regarding being left to wait for someone who kept promising he would be there, or do something, or get me something...., but anyway....). So when J finally arrives at 6:10, I have been crying for 10 minutes and I am angry and hurt, and sad. I'm mad that I didn't get to take advantage of my early time off.
And so when J pulls up and I head for the car, I'm not sure what I'm going to say, but I'm mad. I'm not sure if his excuses are true or not but because he has a history of fibbing when he loses track of time, I'm not sure... so I'm pissed. As I'm walking toward the car he honks at me and waves his arms in a silly gesture designed to make me laugh. This child-like gesture would normally amuse me intensely and cause to wave back in a similarly ridiculous way. Apparently my incredible level of anger has not transmitted itself to his brain yet and he has no idea I'm about to blow! I give him a half-assed 'I hate you' wave and slide into the stinkmobile. He begins the usual 'I'm so sorry this happened but I'm not really responsible for this' speel, but I'm not havin' it, so I start crying again and lose it. I mean LOSE IT. I let him have it about how I can't trust him to be responsible for me, how I felt all abandoned, and angry and hurt, how I'm sick of him putting himself first and not thinking about my needs in this relationship.... and on and on and on I went. There was lots of bitching and moaning and crying and wailing. It was not pretty. I sure wish there was a 'be a better boyfriend" school where he could learn how to say and do the few things that would help me feel better when I'm that upset. 1. Stop the car, put out the cigarette, and FOCUS on what I'm saying. 2. Apologize and not make excuses. 3. Continue to focus. 4. Apologize some more. 5. Give me lots of hugs and physical reassurance that he knows he blew it, even if this time is beyond his control, there are lots of things that are annoying the shit out of me. Unfortunately, there is no such school and he is fairly clueless at how to make me feel better despite my attempts to teach him.
The evening continued with him remaining in the "Duh" zone and revealing his very self serving personality a number of times. We did finally have a semi-relaxing dinner at the local pizza joint sitting next to one another watching UFC. I don't actually hate UFC, its kind of fun to watch. Unfortuantely, when we went to sit down, he chose the side of the booth where he could see the TV but I couldn't. Selfish or just 'Duh'? I finally handled the situation by telling him to move over and let me sit by him so we could both watch it. I love pinball and so does J, so he was thrilled to find a 'Family Guy' pinball machine at the pizza place. We played a coupel of games against one another, but he annihalated me as he usually does with all things electronic. He had a bunch of credits left so instead of leaving so we could go home and cook stuff for an early Easter family deal on Saturday, I waitied for him to use up the credits. It took him an hour to use up all the credits (and he still left 2 because he knew I really wanted to leave). Ugh. Aggravating!!!
Let me just say, without boring you with the details, that much of the weekend went the same, frustrating way. We had plans at each or our respective family's homes, a 1 hour 15 min drive one day and a 45 min drive the other. In the Stinkmobile. With filthy windows. full of crap in the back seat. Missing the tiny rear window. Oh, the humiliation. Saturday, the junk in the back seat was covered by bottles of soda and barbaeque sauce (don't ask) that he had not taken out of the car, so I felt like we were true Beverly Hill-billies rolling up to my parents' house. It was not my finest moment.
Sunday was a little better, J was paying a little more attention to my requests. We travelled to his parents house and got done with time to come home and relax a bit before the weekend. I told myself this morning that I would not lecture him on the way to work and allow him to be in charge of his own day. And I did. No lecturing, nagging, bitching or whining. I'm gonna try and keep it up.....
